Tag Archives: relationship

Things will come together.

There is some sort of irony in wanting to write this post about honesty with oneself, leaving behind the judgmental reactions of others and simply not giving a fuck that occurs when you dump a more raw post into the draft folder due to fear. Whether the post was too personal, too emotional, too creepy, too depressive to share, holding back is the worst thing I could do for myself.
Lake Michigan Wannabe DiverHow many times have I lied to myself, my family, my friends about how I felt because I was too nervous to admit what I really wanted. Plenty.

It is a hard process learning how to embrace your feelings and decisions, especially since most of the time they will be frowned upon or rejected. I’ve taken to writing my deepest most secretest thoughts in my journal, not realizing that I might be repressing their development, their beauty.

One of these things are my longing for a meaningful relationship. Wanting a partner in crime is particularly hard to admit since learned to appreciate my single girl status. In fact, I take so much pride in being able to do things on my own that I have fooled myself into thinking I would never want anyone serious in my life. I have played the “I love being single” card when I did not mean it, I have embellished the nights I was the ultimate player (aka the nights I brought boys over only to kick them out as soon as I was not in the mood). Though some of my friends could see right through my own bullshit I was blinded by the reality that I indeed want someone that I could share my amateur poems, deep thoughts, and happy moments with… It gets lonely sometimes. AND there is nothing wrong with admitting that. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you are ready to find someone that can replace all the sleazy boys at college parties. Accepting this has helped me eliminate the individuals that I know will never provide this and that is a damn good step.

Another fear I had was dropping the idea that I was going to law school after graduation… JEEZ did I not want to go to law school! It was one of those careers I decided on when I was 12 and promised my parents I would pursue. It was only this year that I finally bursted my mother’s bubble when I told her I was not taking my LSATs or applying to law schools. I had fooled myself so much, that I believed it was all my idea. Of course, now that I have decided not to attend law school I find that I am completely confused about my future. A good confused though and that’s the liberating part. I am so free to decide where to take my life, what to study in grad school, that’s if I want to go to grad school… The point is I am so happy to answer all the questions about what my plans are after college with an I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA, I’M JUST GOING TO TAKE MY LIFE AS IT COMES. It just feels so good to have options. To be so young and fearless that going for my Masters in London actually seems like a possibility or that I could just follow in Peyton Sawyer’s steps and open my own record label… OH the place you could really go, who knew. I am more excited about all the opportunities I have to actually do something that makes ME happy and no one else should be a priority in that decision.

I also recently accepted that it is okay to be sad, that it is okay to need to disconnect from people, including those that I feel I’m drifting from. I have deprived my dark thoughts for a really long time, but only a few months ago did I find the strength to say that I get so unhappy at times that I have no desire to do anything else. Admitting this felt like a weight was lifted. It is too draining to be happy all the time. And I decided that I prefer to live a life where I am allowed to be angry, emotional, overwhelmed. If I didn’t have the downs, then I would not realize how amazing the people around me are and just how lucky am I to be alive.

In short, I found that letting go of all the negative connotations attached to certain behaviors or lifestyles has provided me with a very honest and enriching life. I always knew that I need to do what makes me the happiest, but it is truly hard to follow through with when you surrender to social normatives.

No one person is whole, no one person has all the answers to life, no one person can say they haven’t based a decision on others and that is okay. We are on a mission to flourish at our own pace. Somewhere in-between the bad and good choices we have made, we will find that life has paved the perfect path for us. A unique road that makes us smile and understand why those unhappy moments needed to be.

Eventually, we will be okay with allowing the world to see our beauty, one with flaws and imperfections because only can we live freely.